


I don't feel, I think

by WorldWarYee



Series: The underlying issues to address [1]
Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst, I'm Sorry, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Logan Needs A Hug, M/M, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Tags Are Hard
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2018-11-23
Updated: 2018-12-06
Packaged: 2019-08-27 21:43:30
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 10
Words: 6,581
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16710583
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WorldWarYee/pseuds/WorldWarYee
Summary: Logan has spent a long time pushing down his feelings in an effort to be the voice of reason among the sidesMeanwhile Virgil tries desperately to get Logan to open up to him





	1. They don't need to know

“I just don't 'feel’ things”

 

Logan looked blank faced at three friends, all varying degrees of crying

 

“Logan” Roman took a moment to compose himself again “you can't just not feel”

 

Logan was sure that Patton would have something to say about this if he was able to talk through his tears

 

“Well, as the embodiment of logic I have no need for emotions”

 

Virgil pulled his hands away from his face to respond 

 

“Logan of course you have feelings, creativity doesn't  _ need _ emotions but look at what a mess Roman is”

 

Roman glare at Virgil for only a moment before nearly bursting into tears again

 

“Could one of you perhaps explain why you are all crying? Nothing troubling happens at the end of Coco, if anything it's a happy ending”

 

The look that Virgil gave him at that made Logan slightly afraid

 

“How do you even…? It's just… I don't know, happy things make people cry sometimes

 

“Really? That seems very unproductive, further proof that I don't have feelings, my main purpose is to be productive so I have no need to feel any-”

 

“We get it L, you're a heartless robot, can you just shut up now?”

 

Even Patton ceased his crying to look at Virgil in surprise

 

“What? It's not like he's gonna  _ feel _ offended by it”

 

Again, the three just continued to look at him

 

“Okay screw this I'm out”

 

And Virgil left without another word

 

\--------------------

 

When Logan returned to his own room he thought about Virgil's words

 

_ Heartless robot _

 

He considered it for a moment

 

It was, in reality, quite accurate to how he portrays himself, but Logan was fully aware of the truth

 

He did have feelings

 

He hid them from the others in an effort to be the successful voice of reason among the group, something he couldn't achieve with human emotion, soon however it became clear that technique wouldn't work, but he still hid his feelings. He couldn't just change now, the others would mention it and tease him about it and Logan would rather just avoid all of that

 

_ Heartless robot _

 

The words echoed round his head

 

He just pretended that it didn't matter to him, that he didn't care, Logan was used to pushing everything he felt deep down

 

The other sides wouldn't know

 

The other sides didn't need to know anything

 

They didn't need to know that Logan was slowly breaking apart 

 

They didn't need to know about the times he'd cried himself to sleep

 

They didn't need to know about the mental torture he  went put himself through each and every day

 

They didn't need to know.

 


	2. Hallucinations of a better world

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is back :)

“I think you should go and apologize to him virge”

 

Virgil looked up from his phone to see Patton looking at him with concern

 

He wasn't quite sure how to respond

 

Patton was right, Virgil knew that he really should go and apologize to Logan for what he said but...

 

“I know, it's just…” Virgil trailed off, unable to think of an excuse “you know he'll just deny that he even cares, it what he always does”

 

The other three knew that something  was wrong with Logan, and Virgil had tried several times in the past to get Logan to open up to him but he would always deny that he felt anything

 

“Maybe he will but, out of all of us, you're the one he's most likely to listen to, he trusts you Virgil”

 

Noticing the still worried expression on his face Patton rubbed Virgil's arm sympathetically

 

“We'll get through to him someday kiddo”

 

\--------------------

 

Logan was sitting down, leaning his face on his hands, elbows on his desk, the stray tears running down his face

 

He made no effort to stop them

 

The knock on his door took him a moment to focus on

 

Wiping the tears quickly away from his face his answered the knock

 

“Hey L”

 

Virgil stood in front of him, his plastered on smile never reaching his eyes

 

“Virgil” Logan simply nodded in recognition

 

“Hey, so, I'm sorry about what I said earlier, I know you're not a heartless robot”

 

The fake smile had been quickly dropped as soon as he started speaking

 

“As usual Virgil, I don't particularly care but the thought is appreciated”

 

The dark side slumped his shoulders and stared at the ground

 

“You're…  _ allowed _ to feel, Logan, you know that right?”

 

Logan didn't move or respond 

 

It was a lie

 

Logan wasn't allowed to feel, he couldn't do this job if he felt things, he was useless with emotions

 

Unable to deal with the silence Virgil looked up at Logan, tears welling up in his eyes, but instead of saying something he just wrapped his arms around the other in a hug

 

When Logan still didn't move Virgil lightly whispered in his ear

 

“It's okay”

 

Still unsuccessful, Virgil left 

 

Logan closed the door and sunk down into the bathroom of his room

 

He was going to come here soon anyway, might as well go while he was already up

 

The cabinet was opened and Logan reached into it, pulling out a razor

 

His only tool for coping with his emotions

 

The closed cabinet revealed a mirror and Logan hopelessly looked into it

 

Briefly, he saw Virgil in it as well, standing behind him, one hand on his shoulder

 

Logan dropped what he was holding and instinctively reached his hand up in an effort to grab Virgil's

 

Nothing was there

 

It must have been a hallucination, maybe from lack of sleep

 

For a moment Logan stood, looking at himself in the mirror, his hand still resting on his shoulder

 

He thought

 

And then moved his hand back towards the razor lying in the sink

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oof, I'm sorry
> 
> Feedback would cool, even if you're just shouting at me to stop making our smart boi sad


	3. I only want to feel this

Virgil really thought that he was going to be okay watching ‘a quiet place’

 

He enjoyed a lot of horror movies and he was usually okay as long as he slept with the lights on that night

 

But this film wasn't exactly scary, it was more anxiety inducing, and as the embodiment of anxiety, it really wasn't going great for him

 

He sat at the end of the sofa, curled in on himself, shivering slightly, he would've left but he really wanted to see the end of the film now, and he couldn't do that to John Krasinski

 

“Virgil I have plenty of extra blanket space that you can use”

 

He jumped slightly when Logan started speaking to him, holding up one side of his blanket in offering

 

Virgil was about to say that he wasn't cold, despite his shivering coming off that way, but it occurred to him that curling up next to Logan could help lessen his anxiety, and what other excuse was he going to get

 

\--------------------

 

Logan found himself feeling glad that he could help Virgil

 

It was the first positive emotion he'd had in weeks, he would have to savour it

 

As Virgil got closer Logan realised that perhaps there wasn't as much extra blanket space as he first thought, because in order for them both to fit, their sides had to be pressed unusually close together

 

The close contact made a strange fluttering feeling appear in Logan’s chest

 

And despite its inherent uncomfortableness, Logan enjoyed the feeling, it made him feel… happy, something that Logan hadn't had much recent experience in

 

He decided to try experimenting a little with this feeling. Wondering if it was his close proximity to Virgil that set it off he shuffled just slightly closer to the other side

 

This earned him a slightly sheepish smile from Virgil which quickly enhanced the fluttering

 

Logan looked at the still shivering side quizzically, still confused as to why or how Virgil could make him feel this way despite his now near constant depression

 

His chest still fluttering Logan turned his attention back to the film reluctantly

 

\--------------------

 

Despite the anxiety it caused him Virgil did enjoy the film, Logan definitely had some part to play in that though

 

He wasn't the only one worried by the film however, because in order to ease Patton's fears at the end of the movie, Roman suggested that they watch toy story for the 90th time after

 

Possibly because he had seen the film 90 times or possibly because he hadn't gotten much sleep the past few nights, Virgil quickly became tired

 

Normally he would've just wished the others a goodnight and gone to bed but he was so warm and comfortable next to Logan, he didn't want to leave, he could probably stay up til the movie was over

 

But as sleep slowly began to pull at Virgil, he, without thinking, rested his head on Logan's shoulder and closed his eyes, intending to only have a brief nap but he soon fell into a deep sleep

 

\--------------------

 

Logan felt Virgil's head rest lightly on his shoulder and couldn't help but smile slightly

 

However Virgil's sleeping form only helped to remind Logan of how tired he himself was, he hadn't slept properly for weeks

 

Maybe now that he felt something other than all-consuming sadness and worry he would finally be able to sleep

 

So Logan rested his head on top of Virgil's and quickly succumbed to sleep himself, deciding that he wanted to feel that feeling for the rest of his life

 

\--------------------

 

When the film finished Roman nudged Patton and pointed to their two friends, still asleep

 

“Awww, they're adorable”

 

Patton whispered

 

“You think we should wake them?”

 

Roman didn't think that the two would wake up to him speaking but he whispered anyway for Patton's sake

 

“No, I think they both need this”

 

Patton and Roman both stood and went off to their rooms, leaving the sleeping sides in peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this wasn't going to be analogical but then I realized that I have no self control, sorry if that isn't exactly your scene, I hope you still get enjoyment (or sadness) from this series <3
> 
> (Feedback lads, its pretty neat)


	4. It's not you, it's everyone else

When Logan first woke up in the mind space he was slightly disoriented, it was only when he noticed Virgil still pressed against his side that he remembered what happened

 

He couldn't help the small smile on his face when he thought back to it and for a while he just continued to sit, gazing at the other side, not wanting to wake him up

 

Logan would have to however, it was already 10:30 and he had work to do

 

“Hey, Virgil”

 

Logan nudged the other slightly, trying to speak softly

 

In response to this Virgil just hummed and buried his face further into the crook of Logan's neck

 

It was adorable but highly unproductive

 

“Virge, come on, it’s nearly 11”

 

Slowly the other side opened his eyes and sat up, running a hand through his fringe to fix it

 

When he finally took it what room he was in, he stopped, possibly unintentionally letting his fringe fall back over his eyes

 

He looked at Logan briefly and quickly looked away again, rubbing the back of his neck

 

“Sorry, you, eh, you probably have work to do or something I'll just go”

 

Virgil stood up and was about to sink out

 

“Wait, Virgil”

 

Logan then quickly scrambled to his feet before Virgil left, the other side looked at him expectantly but, Logan realised that he didn't really have anything to say

 

Instead he just walked up to Virgil and wrapped his arms around the other in a hug

 

Virgil froze with shock for a second but returned the hug eagerly

 

“Thank you”

 

Logan wasn't entirely sure what he was saying thank you for, really it could be a multitude of things, it just felt like the right thing to say

 

“It's okay”

 

Virgil pulled his head back slightly but kept his arms around Logan's neck, and Logan was suddenly very aware of how close their faces were

 

Virgil glanced down quickly at Logan's lips, and with his heart feeling like it was about to break out of his ribcage Logan instinctively leaned in

 

But their lips barely touched before the sound of one of the others walking downstairs caused them to spring apart 

 

“See ya”

 

Virgil looked at him apologetically as he sank back out to his room

 

Logan was left standing awkwardly in the middle of the room, feeling rather confused

 

\--------------------

 

Virgil didn't leave his room all day, too afraid of having to deal with what happened with Logan, he managed to keep it up until Patton called him down for dinner,

 

But either way he had now ended up back on the sofa with Logan, and thankfully Roman and Patton as well

 

They had decided to eat dinner on the couch for once, the office playing quietly in the background

 

None of them had spoken much until Roman said something

 

“So I take it you two aren't planning on sleeping here tonight as well?”

 

Roman tried to stop himself from sniggering at his own joke, Virgil looked away, awkwardly rubbing his neck

 

But Logan gave Roman a look of contempt

 

“No Roman I wasn't planning on it”

 

Roman's eyes practically lit up at this, he saw Logan's rebuttal as a challenge

 

“Really? Because you seemed to be all over Virge last night”

 

“Roman…”

 

Patton was unsuccessful trying to stop the creative side

 

“I was not 'all over him’ he appeared cold and so I provided him a warm blanket and he happened to fall asleep”

 

Virgil felt his heart sink slightly at this, did it really mean nothing?

 

“Wow Logan, looks like you're just trying to cover up that you love Virgil”

 

Virgil couldn't help but look at Logan expectantly

 

“I don't have emotions, I don't 'love’ Virgil”

 

The darker side felt tears begin to sting his eyes

 

He really didn't expect that to hurt this much, but of course Logan didn't love him, why should he, he probably just thinks he’s needy and annoying

 

Virgil sunk back to his room unnoticed, he didn't want to hear the end of that conversation

 

So he ended up curled in on himself, leaning against the door, biting down hard on his lip to keep from crying

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Do I want to make these characters suffer? No
> 
> Do I want to make the people reading this suffer? ;)
> 
> (Sorry lads, again feedback is pretty lit)


	5. There's nothing wrong with me

“Oh come on Logan, don't start this whole thing again”

 

Roman and even Patton were looking at Logan with exasperation, none of them had noticed Virgil's departure

 

“Don't start what again?”

 

Roman groaned loudly

 

“Logan, newsflash, you have feelings”

 

Something inside of him wanted to agree and put everything behind him, but the stronger part of him forced him to push forward with his lies

 

He didn't even know why he still did it

 

“Are you really still talking about that? I don't have feelings”

 

“Logan, you know you do, why can't you just fricken tell us!”

 

“Roman”

 

Patton looked at Roman disapprovingly

 

Logan looked down, unable to face Roman, and the others tone got softer

 

“Lo, we just want to help you, we can see that something's wrong, please, we’re your friends”

 

“We’re all here for you Logan, you can trust us”

 

Logan looked up at Roman and Patton, he wanted to tell them everything, he wanted to tell them about his lack of sleep, about the crying, about all of the terrible things he felt everyday, about the scars lining his body, they  _ needed _ to know

 

But he couldn't bring himself to tell them

 

“there’s nothing wrong with me”

 

He watched as Roman sighed and looked down in defeat

 

He saw the disappointed in Patton's eyes

 

“Wait, where did Virgil go?”

 

Patton was looking around the room in confusion

 

Logan quickly turned his head to see that Virgil had indeed gone

 

It was as good an excuse as any to get out of this

 

“I'll go check on him”

 

And Logan walked up the stairs to Virgil's room, assuming that the other wouldn't want Logan to just show up in the middle of his room

 

He knocked on the door

 

No answer

 

“Virgil?”

 

Again there was nothing

 

Logan leaned his head against the door so that Virgil had the highest chance of hearing him

 

“Virgil? I… I know you probably don't want to talk to me, but can you please let me in? I didn't mean

… can we just talk about what I said?”

 

After again hearing no answer Logan was tempted to leave and go get Patton instead

 

Then he heard a sharp intake of breath, almost as if someone was in pain

 

“Virgil!”

 

Logan knocked on the door again, getting frantic

 

“Virgil, what's going on?”

 

He tried to keep his voice steady but he was sure that his panic was clear

 

There was no reply other than a stifled sob

 

“Virgil…”

 

Logan leant his head against the door, trying hopelessly to open the locked door

 

He was out there for what must have only been a few minutes but for him felt like days

 

Finally he heard a knock from the other side of the door he jumped away from it in shock

 

“Logan?”

 

Virgil's voice was barely audible and it sounded weak and scratchy

 

The door opened and Logan looked in shock and horror at the sight, Virgil stood, his sleeves rolled up, arms outstretched in front of him, head tilted to the floor, eyes closed tight, tears smudging his eyeshadow and staining his face, and deep cuts running all along his wrists and forearms

 

He looked up at Logan

 

“Help”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I would apologize but I think that's only for if you actually feel sorry
> 
> (Genuinely sorry that this is kinda short, it was the best place to cut it for what I have planned)


	6. I'm broken, but so are you

Logan took a moment, looking between Virgil's arms and his eyes, the tears still running adamantly down his face

 

“Come here”

 

Logan spoke softly and quickly looked behind him, sure that Virgil wouldn't want Roman or Patton to know about this

 

He gently lead Virgil, down the hall, to his bathroom, without complaint from the other side

 

When they arrived there Logan placed two washcloths on Virgil's arms and pressed down on them, causing Virgil to wince slightly

 

“Sorry, this might hurt a bit, but putting pressure on it will minimise the bleeding, can you sit down for me?”

 

Virgil just nodded and sat with his back leant against the wall in the corner

 

He watched as Logan, still with one hand putting pressure on Virgil's arms, raked through his cabinet to find a first aid kit

 

“Virgil, was… what you used, clean?”

 

It took Virgil a moment to understand what he meant but he eventually nodded

 

“Okay, a few of these are going to need stitches, this is going to be very painful but I need you to keep your arm still, okay?”

 

Virgil again shakily nodded and Logan took the washcloth off of his first arm and Virgil thankfully had the sense to press the other one against the wall to keep pressure on it

 

By the time Logan had started on his second arm, Virgil had come out of his initial shock

 

“Are you okay Virge?”

 

“Yeah, I, I got through the first one”

 

It was Logan who just nodded this time, not sure if  _ he _ was okay with this, it was hard to concentrate when he could hear Virgil's pained breaths and muffled screams next to him, but he had to continue

 

After both of Virgil's arms were fully bandaged Logan decided to sit on the floor beside him

 

The two sat in silence for a while, just taking in everything that had happened

 

“Virgil, if you're okay answering, why?”

 

He laughed dryly before answering

 

“I just, I don't know, sometimes when I mess something up, I… I want to make myself suffer for it. I didn't mean to cut that deep, I just… well, I messed up”

 

Virgil looked at the floor, picking absentmindedly at the tiles

 

After a while Logan replied

 

“I’m the one at fault for that argument, I was the one who caused it to get out of hand… I didn't mean any of what I said, especially the bit about you,  I… I do…-”

 

He felt Virgil carefully lace their fingers together and smile gently at him, in that moment, neither of them needed to say a word, they understood each other

 

\--------------------

 

“What’re we gonna do about him?”

 

It was more of a statement than a question that Roman said as he leaned his elbows against the 'window’ in the kitchen, looking out at Patton

 

“I don't know, I really thought Virgil was finally getting somewhere with him”

 

Patton had opted to sit down on one of the dining chairs that he'd turned to face Roman in the other room

 

“Hey Roman? What did you expect to happen when you brought up that night that those two were in here?”

 

Roman looked taken aback for a second

 

“Well, I expected to say that and then hoped that they both would been embarrassed and not said anything but then maybe Virgil would mutter 'well I did kinda enjoy that’ but we would all hear it, and then Logan would be like ‘I did too’ and then I would say 'oh so you enjoy things? Does that imply that you have feelings?’ and he would go to deny it but then he'd look at Virgil and be like 'yes, yes I do’ and then we'd all celebrate”

 

Thought-out his speech Roman had gotten progressively more frantic, and he ended on a slightly angry shout, Patton was surprised that the other two didn't hear it

 

“I'm not really surprised that it didn't exactly work out that way Roman”

 

The other side looked at him in confusion and annoyance until he elaborated

 

“Well, Logan's very stubborn isn't he? So I reckon that it would take something either really good or something terrible happening for him to admit that he has feelings, because that way I don't think he'll be able to contain his emotions”

 

Roman sunk down until his face was on the marble of the kitchen counter

 

“Could've told me that before”

 

He muttered under his breath

 

\--------------------

 

After a while, Logan and Virgil got to their feet, deciding the bathroom wasn't the most comfortable place to sit

 

By as they were about to leave Logan realised Virgil had turned back around

 

“Vir-”

 

He turned around to see Virgil looking sadly at a razor he obviously found in the sink

 

“Guess we're just as broken as each other huh?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I considered making this just a little bit longer to include the next bit but I thought I'd leave you all on this note (pun not intended but it's pretty great) for now :)


	7. So let's help each other

Virgil dropped the razor back in the sink and walked out, dragging Logan gently behind him, by the arm, as he left 

 

He sat himself down on the floor, leaning against the side of Logan's bed and patted the ground next to him urging Logan to join, to which he silently acquiesced 

 

And Virgil finally asked the question

 

“So, why?”

 

Logan had expected Virgil to be surprised or mad when he found out but as the other side laid his head on the bed behind him, staring intently at Logan, he just looked disappointed, Logan couldn't tell if it was in himself or not

 

Either way, Logan told him everything

 

Told him about the repressed emotions

 

Told him about the nights of crying uncontrollably

 

Told him about what he had done to cope with it

 

Told him about his rapidly fracturing mental state

 

He told him about everything that he had tried so hard to keep from everyone for all that time

 

He told him about everything that he  _ needed _ to know

 

It felt good, to finally say everything that he'd been waiting to, he kept on stumbling over his words just trying to get it all out quickly before something interrupted him

 

But nothing did, Virgil didn't say a word, he just laced their fingers together and listened, occasionally unintentionally reacting to what was being said

 

When Logan finished he looked at Virgil expectantly

 

“I knew it”

 

Logan looked at him quizzically

 

“I knew that something was wrong with you, I knew that you weren't okay, I tried so hard to help you, Logan, and I still failed, this is all my fault”

 

Virgil was nearly at the point of tears and Logan wasn't exactly sure what to do

 

“Virgil, it's not your fault, there was nothing that you could've done,  _ I  _ put myself up to this,  _ I  _ made the decision to not accept your help, you did everything that you could have done”

 

He tried to wipe away a few of the tears still in eyes but ended up smudging his eyeshadow

 

“We need to stop… this”

 

Virgil lifted his arm, displaying the white bandage beneath his sleeve

 

“Agreed but how exactly?”

 

“We can help each other, check up on each other, be open about our emotions”

 

He barely even whispered the last one but Logan understood what he had said

 

“I can… try, to do all of those”

 

Virgil smiled at Logan and stood up, going to leave, but just before he did he turned around and Logan stood too, confused at Virgil's actions

 

“Hey Logan? Eh, god why is  _ this _ the hardest thing to say?, Um…”

 

He had buried his face in his hands and Logan had moved closer to him, concerned

 

“You said earlier that you didn't mean what you said, but you didn't, like, specify? And it was kind of implied, but, uh, I don't know, do you…”

 

He took a deep breath, preparing himself

 

“HowDoYouActuallyFeelAboutMe?”

 

Logan couldn't deny that he really hadn't expected Virgil to say that

 

But strangely enough he had an answer prepared

 

“Virgil, that night, when I asked if you wanted to share the blanket with me because you were clearly getting anxious about the film-”

 

“You knew I was anxious?”

 

Virgil dropped his hands from his face to look at Logan directly

 

“Well yes I thought it was quite obvious, even if it were cold you wear a hoodie constantly, I invited you over because I thought that contact with another person may help, anyway”

 

A smile unintentionally made its way across Virgil's face at this

 

“That night, when we got closer and when you leaned on me, I felt something that I didn't think I could, not then at least, and I feel that same thing every time I'm near you and I honestly can't imagine anything or anyone else making me feel that”

 

Virgil practically threw himself on Logan, wrapping his arms around the other's neck and pressing their lips together

 

Logan was confused for a moment but as soon as he realised what was happening he immediately kissed Virgil back and wrapped his arms around The other’s waist

 

Virgil soon broke the moment because he was grinning too much to continue, causing Logan to also start smiling, they remained in their hug though, foreheads against each other, and Virgil laughed slightly, saying

 

“I love you too, nerd”

 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> See I could totally end it here and everything would be happy and great, but will I?
> 
> No, no I will not


	8. Everything's fine, until it isn't

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I wrote this really late and didn't have time to properly go through it so excuse any typos <3

Virgil thought everything was fine

 

Him and Logan had agreed to keep their new relationship a secret for the time being

 

Virgil was fine with that, in fact he fully supported it

 

Logan was acting the same as he usually did around the others, maybe he looked slightly happier than usual

 

Virgil was fine with that

 

Logan had also continued his trend of claiming that he doesn't have emotions, Virgil questioned him about this but the logical side just said that he wasn't ready to tell the others

 

Virgil thought he was fine with that

 

But each time he mentioned it Virgil felt a bit of his confidence about the situation being chipped away

 

It got into Virgil's head, even though he knew it wasn't true, he was anxiety, it was his job to worry

 

Eventually it just got too much for him

 

“... because I of course don't-”

 

“You don't have emotions, we get it”

 

Virgil looked at the floor dejectedly

 

Logan tensed and look in the direction of the sullen side

 

“Well, uh, yes”

 

A silence fell over the room, no one knowing what to say or do

 

“Okay, well I'm going to my room”

 

Virgil stood and looked meaningfully at Logan

 

“Yes, I think I'll do the same”

 

So the two ended up in Logan's room, standing facing each other, neither of them speaking for a while

 

“Virgil I'm sorry-”

 

“Sorry isn't gonna cut it Lo”

 

Surprisingly there was no anger in his tone, that didn't stop Logan wincing away at the words though

 

“I just, you're in here and you're fine to cry in front of me or be happy in front of me or say that you love me, but the second anyone else is even in the room next door you suddenly don't have emotions again”

 

Virgil half glared at Logan but the other side just shook his head saying

 

“Look, Virgil it's not that simple, I'm comfortable in your presence, you know the real me, the others don't and it's daunting to tell people that they don't really know you because I don't know how they'll react. I'm afraid”

 

“Okay, and I get that Logan but it's just not fair to me, every time I hear you say that you don't have emotions it hurts me, it's like my brain convinces me that it's true and that… it makes me think that you don't really like me”

 

Virgil's hands were in his pockets and he was adamantly staring at a spot on the floor

 

Logan stepped forward and cupped Virgil's face with his hand, tilting the others head upward slightly to face him

 

“Virgil you know I could never not like you”

 

For a second Virgil let himself get lost staring into Logan's eyes, he was so tempted to bring their lips together but he came to his senses and pulled away from his boyfriend

 

“Logan you can't do this to me”

 

“I don't know what to do, I can't just tell the others, I want to, you know I do but for some reason I just can't force myself to say those words in front of them, I spent so long acting like this in front of them that I don't know anything else”

 

Virgil took a step back and screwed his eyes shut before he started speaking

 

“You're gonna have to because I can't do this anymore, I think… I think we should take a break, from us”

 

Virgil opened his eyes and looked at the crushing sadness on Logan's face and Logan felt like everything just stopped, and everything he'd work so hard for was crumbling down around him

 

“Its okay, this is only until you can figure this out Logan, I still love you, I would never just permanently leave you like that, I just… I need you to work this out”

 

Logan just nodded, too afraid that he'd cry if he spoke

 

And Virgil quickly move forward, briefly kissing Logan one last time before turning around and leaving

 

\--------------------

 

At dinner Patton immediately noticed the red surrounding Virgil's eyes

 

It was only then that Logan fully realised that Virgil must also have been upset by this, so much so that he was crying about it

 

Virgil quickly brushed it off, saying that he was just listening to some sad music, Logan might've believed him if he didn't catch the look Virgil unintentionally gave him for just a millisecond after he said it

 

But while Patton was fussing with Virgil, Roman looked over to Logan and apparently saw the sadness in his eyes because, unbeknownst to Logan, he managed to signal to Patton that something was wrong

 

After dinner Virgil thankfully left quickly and Logan tried to follow suit but the other two stopped him

 

“Logan, it's everything alright? You and Virgil seemed upset”

 

Roman lead him to the sofa followed closely by Patton

 

“Yes, everything is fine, I believe that Virgil said his distress was because-”

 

“Logan” 

 

Roman cut him off before continuing

 

“It's okay”

 

_ Its okay _

 

\---

 

_ When Logan still didn't move Virgil lightly whispered in his ear _

 

_ “It's okay” _

 

\---

 

_ Logan wasn't entirely sure what he was saying thank you for, really it could be a multitude of things, it just felt like the right thing to say _

 

_ “It's okay” _

 

\---

 

_ “Its okay, this is only until you can figure this out Logan, I still love you _

 

\---

 

And Logan burst into tears

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> ANGST! ANGST! ANGST! ANGST!


	9. They know

Roman sat in utter confusion, just staring at the normally composed side, not sure what to do

 

Thankfully Patton was already on it, rubbing Logan's back in comforting circles while he cried

 

Roman still didn't know what to do so he just sat next to them awkwardly, not wanting to leave in case Logan started talking but not exactly enjoying his stay

 

After a while Logan sat up and wiped his eyes, appearing to have managed to compose himself enough to talk

 

“Okay so, what the heck happened dude?”

 

Roman asked, glad to finally do something productive

 

“I don't even know where to start”

 

It was clear by the slight crack in Logan's voice that he was still fighting back tears

 

“It's okay kiddo, take your time”

 

“Or don't, I really wanna know”

 

Patton gave Roman a harsh look making him put his hands up in defence

 

“Kidding”

 

The two turned their attention back to Logan, slightly hunched over, looking sad and awkward in his seat, almost reminiscent of Virgil's usual posture

 

“I thought that if I got rid of my emotions I could do my job better, that's-”

 

“But that doesn't make any sense, if you have emotions you must need them”

 

Roman made a good point but Logan really hoped that would be his last interruption, this would be much easier if he could say it all at once

 

But it wasn't his last interruption

 

Logan would only get a sentence in at a time before Patton or Roman would jump in with another question that he was about to answer or another obvious observation

 

It only made him miss Virgil more, the way he had just sat and listened, never questioning him, just sitting, holding his hand

 

Logan found himself tearing up again

 

“Logan? You okay?”

 

Roman's voice snapped him back to reality

 

“Oh right, yes, I'm just, where was I?”

 

“You were telling us about why you told us you didn't have emotions”

 

Patton helpfully provided

 

At this rate it'd be Christmas by the time the story was finished

 

“okay well, the point is: I was struggling, no Patton let me finish, but Virgil was there for me and I was there for him, yes Roman multiple people can have issues at a time, anyway we decided to, uh… get together”

 

Logan looked away, fiddling nervously with his shirt collar

 

“Wait so did something happen to you guys?”

 

Even Roman appeared sad for the situation

 

Logan tried to say something but he found that he just couldn't get the words out, so he closed his eyes tight and shook his head, indicating that he didn't want to talk about it

 

“You think I should go ask Virgil?”

 

The question was posed just as much to Patton as it was Logan, who cleared his throat and answered

 

“You can if you want but I don't know how he's going to react to it”

 

“Yeah, I'll go ask him, Pat stay here with Logan and make sure he's okay”

 

“Roman I'm sitting right-”

 

But Roman had left before Logan could finish

 

He reached Virgil's door and in his typical fashion just walked right in without knocking

 

Based on Virgil's shout and his fallen position on the floor, Roman's sudden appearance had scared him a bit

 

“Oh, sorry Virge”

 

Roman extended his hand to help the fallen side up

 

“Geez dude, do you not know what knocking is? What do you want that's so important?”

 

Virgil glared at him, dusting off his clothes more for fidgeting than an actual need to

 

“Wow, someone's moody”

 

This only caused Virgil to glare at him more

 

“Get on with it drama queen”

 

“Do you ever give hurtful insults?” 

 

“Roman, I swear-”

 

He held his hands up in defence again

 

“Okay, okay, okay, I came to ask what went on with you and Logan”

 

Roman noticed Virgil's eyes widen slightly in surprise but he tried to hide it

 

“What do you mean? Nothing's going on”

 

He defensively crossed his arms over his chest

 

“Virgil, I know what happened, just tell me”

 

“What do you mean you know what happened?”

 

Virgil had gone from looking angry to just looking confused

 

“Logan told me”

 

The anxious side sighed loudly and put his head in his hands

 

“You couldn't have started with tha- wait what did he tell you?”

 

Virgil's head shot up when he realised what that might mean

 

“Well he told us about his feelings and-”

 

But Virgil just walked past him saying

 

“I'll find out later”

 

Virgil got to the stairs and was about to go down to talk to Logan when it occurred to him that Logan might not want to talk to him at all

 

“What's the hold up Virge?”

 

Roman had apparently caught up with him while he had been debating going down

 

“What if he doesn't want to see me?”

 

Roman ignored the voice in his head trying to tell Virgil that Logan  _ did _ cry whenever his name came up, instead he put a hand on the others shoulder saying

 

“Of course he wants to see you”

 

That seemed to make Virgil feel better as he took a deep breath and walked downstairs

 

“Lo?”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So quick heads up, this is going to be the penultimate chapter, hope you like it :)


	10. I feel

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Weirdly the shortest chapter took me the longest to write

“Lo?”

 

Logan looked up in surprise at Virgil, now standing in his usual spot for videos at the bottom of the stairs, nervously tapping the banister

 

“Virgil?”

 

He stood up and walked slightly closer to the stairs

 

“Look L, I'm really sorry, I was scared and I didn't know what I was doing, I just wanted to do the right thing but I shouldn't have made you do that, I understand if you don’t even want to see me anymore, Roman said...”

 

Virgil looked behind him but he couldn't see Roman at the top of the stairs anymore, he then turned around realising that Roman was on the other side of the staircase

 

“When did…? Nevermind, Logan, do you want to… go out with me, again”

 

Logan responded by walking closer up to the staircase and put one hand on his back extending the other out for the Virgil to take, saying

 

“Of course I will, Virge”

 

But Virgil ignored the hand, choosing instead to throw his arms around Logan's neck, lightly pressing their lips together

 

Logan melted into the kiss, putting his hands on Virgil's waist and pulling the two of them as close together as he could

 

Meanwhile Patton and Roman stood awkwardly nearby until Patton spoke up

 

“Hey guys, we’re still here you know?”

 

The two parted reluctantly and turned to face the others, Virgil still leaning against Logan's side in a half-hug

 

“Okay, so I want to hear the whole story now, from the beginning”

 

Logan looked at Roman skeptically

 

“Only if you promise not to constantly interrupt this time”

 

“Uh, Logan, when would I ever do that?”

 

Noticing the look he was getting from the logical side Roman decided to back off

 

“Fine I won't”

 

**_6 Months Later_ **

 

The four sides had once again sat down to watch Coco, Roman, Patton and Virgil thinking they could get through it without crying this time

 

They couldn't

 

Even Virgil who was leaning, half asleep, on Logan found himself borderline sobbing by the end

 

But when Virgil looked up at his boyfriend he noticed the tears running down his face as well, granted nowhere near the level that the others were on but they were there

 

It made Virgil think about how far they'd come since the first time they watched this

 

They still had scars from the past, and not just physical ones, but as Logan leaned down to kiss him lightly on the cheek they both looked into each others eyes and realised that maybe it was worth it to end up where they are now

 

And Logan felt happy

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you everyone who commented and left kudos! This has been both fun and very sad to write
> 
> (If anyone has any story ideas or requests please tell me them cause I don't have any)
> 
> (I try to respond to every comment but I just realized that I haven't responded to the last few, I'm sorry, I will reply to all future ones)


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